VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
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[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.