Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
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one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.