My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
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why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5