If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
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Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
As the Lord intended
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.