‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
You Might Also Like
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”