I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
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One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.