People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
You Might Also Like
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.