Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
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They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.