WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
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Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.