I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
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My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.