I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
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[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?