ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
You Might Also Like
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes