Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
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*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.