[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
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‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.