Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
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Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Friday
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED