My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
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HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time