Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
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[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.