*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
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By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or