I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
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My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.