I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
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Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
🤭😂