Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
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“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
He just like my cat fr
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.