JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
asking santa clause for nudes
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?