If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
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Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Worth remembering.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.