Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
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I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.