Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
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Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Grandmother clock.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.