Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
You Might Also Like
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!