“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
You Might Also Like
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything