The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
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The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
no regrets
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.