me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
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me and who
Guantanamo Bae
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Skills
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
DOOO EEEET
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?