I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
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Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
There are no pants in heaven.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.