7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
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[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)