Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Cha-ching is my safe word
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT