Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
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[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
when mom throws a party…
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do