I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
You Might Also Like
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡