Pizza is an emotion right?
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What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
😂😂😂😂😂😂
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
#ProTip
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.