[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.