My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
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I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.