Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
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My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about