Note to self: always read the final line
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DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Geez man, take it easy.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.