If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
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I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means