That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
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My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
How funny!
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I don’t get marriage
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.