Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
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I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
*watches the world burn*