I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
You Might Also Like
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.