Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
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[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me: