Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
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[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Weighing up my bread heating options
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.