Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
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god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.