When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
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I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
What?
No way!
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I unironically love this joke.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”