I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
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I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
This headline is a thing of beauty
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Cardio Made Easy
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)