going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
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Smooooooth
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.