Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
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WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now